Alternative Fun Facts: Know Your Customer
Get a life | Fiction | Fresh Soup
Life is hard and then you die. But beyond this simple truism hides a constant hope that there is a reason for this whole disconcerting and sometimes unpleasant existence. “Alternative Fun Facts” comes to the rescue once again, with an exclusive exposé of the real reason we’re here.
The hearing was brief. The Customer Relations Manager said laconically that in the six light years during which Enzipit had worked under her at the insurance company, he was unceasingly diligent and dedicated to the company’s values and goals, but when it came to his attitude toward the customers, he seemed less respectful. “Me – not respectful?!” Enzipit fumed. “Me? I can give you the names of tens of thousands of satisfied customers. In my six light years at the company I’ve handled every type of customer you can imagine, from tiny little farfels of gas on Andromeda to giant telepathic neuron nebulae in the Condor Galaxy—
“I’m sure you can,” the manager cut him off, “but what’s important to me, as Customer Relations Manager at the largest insurance company in the universe, is not the tens of thousands of satisfied customers you’ve handled, but that one disappointed mother…”
“Who is she?” Enzipit snapped. “Who? Is it that hysterical reptile from Alpha Centauri? That neurotic lizard was bruising for a fight with me from the first second…”
“Enzipit,” the manager sighed, “this is the customer relations department of an insurance company. Our callers are often going through the hardest, most challenging time they will ever experience—”
“She’s a reptile!” Enzipit snapped. “She’s cold-blooded. She was faking it. She wasn’t really upset.”
“I’m not an expert on reptilian psychology,” said the manager,” but considering that two of her offspring suffocated to death after inhaling toxic gas, it’s fair to assume that she was upset. And either way, there’s no reason in the universe for a company employee to tell one of our insured customers that the two offspring she lost are less than a tenth of a percent of the thousands of reptiles she’s spawned in her lifetime.”
“I thought it would offer some comfort,” Enzipit replied defensively. “She kept going on about how her world had collapsed, and I was just trying to put things in perspective.”
“Our job is not to put things in perspective, our job is to support our customers in their time of need, to connect with them and show empathy. And that is where, inarguably, you failed. I’m sorry, but I have no choice but to send you on another emotional training course.”